So here I sit, on a golden afternoon on this final day of September. A month gift-wrapped in anticipation which sadly couldn’t deliver on its promises: thwarted by circumstance and the curve balls life throws us sometimes.
A regular blogging habit has been one of the casualties. It was already teetering but it was still redeemable as August closed. In September it has crawled to a painful halt. There is a part of me that would rather like to just stop now. Because the hiatus has been of a length to pull me through the days when I yearned to be able to write but hadn’t the opportunity, and the days when I had the opportunity to write but neither the energy nor the inspiration. And here on the other side of that divide is an indolent spot which is rather comfortable and from which I struggle to reach back and remember the rewards I got from writing daily. Really, I’d rather like to just sit here quietly, please. And stop.
I have plenty of cosy little excuses. We did so little in September that would fit into this blog that I have nothing to write about. I’m so behind on book reviews and long-overdue posts from August that they seem almost irrelevant. I have so much to catch up in the house and garden; so many visits to make; letters and emails to write that I really don’t have time for blogging. And Christmas is coming – I need time to think about Christmas!
Ok, so that’s the preamble almost done with. Begone, cosy excuses! Old unwritten posts can be whittled down to almost nothing. Having so little to blog about in September itself is a great way of finally catching up. And book reviews…. Well, they can never be out of date really, don’t you agree?
I think underneath all this lies the fact that I am fearful. What I have come to realise over this break is that to write I need to be in the right head space, and that space is closely connected to how I’m feeling in my heart and in life in general. I’m slightly scared that I may not find my way back to that headspace. So even if I do have something to say, I won’t be able to say it as I would wish. Plus our current challenges are far from resolved; I may have to duck out again very soon. Is it worth even bothering to try? But here I go again – coming up with more excuses.
I accept that I’ll never know if I don’t give it a go. So, I’m very carefully getting back onto the horse… Climbing back onto my own unique merry-go-round, from where I can watch the world circling around this Corner of Cornwall. The view from here is uncertain but worth fighting for.