The View from Here: Clinging to the carousel

the view from here is uncertain but worth fighting for

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So here I sit, on a golden afternoon on this final day of September.  A month gift-wrapped in anticipation which sadly couldn’t deliver on its promises: thwarted by circumstance and the curve balls life throws us sometimes.

A regular blogging habit has been one of the casualties.  It was already teetering but it was still redeemable as August closed. In September it has crawled to a painful halt.  There is a part of me that would rather like to just stop now.  Because the hiatus has been of a length to pull me through the days when I yearned to be able to write but hadn’t the opportunity, and the days when I had the opportunity to write but neither the energy nor the inspiration.  And here on the other side of that divide is an indolent spot which is rather comfortable and from which I struggle to reach back and remember the rewards I got from writing daily.  Really, I’d rather like to just sit here quietly, please.  And stop.

I have plenty of cosy little excuses.  We did so little in September that would fit into this blog that I have nothing to write about.  I’m so behind on book reviews and long-overdue posts from August that they seem almost irrelevant.  I have so much to catch up in the house and garden; so many visits to make; letters and emails to write that I really don’t have time for blogging.  And Christmas is coming – I need time to think about Christmas!

Ok, so that’s the preamble almost done with.  Begone, cosy excuses!  Old unwritten posts can be whittled down to almost nothing.  Having so little to blog about in September itself is a great way of finally catching up.  And book reviews…. Well, they can never be out of date really, don’t you agree?

I think underneath all this lies the fact that I am fearful.  What I have come to realise over this break is that to write I need to be in the right head space, and that space is closely connected to how I’m feeling in my heart and in life in general.  I’m slightly scared that I may not find my way back to that headspace.  So even if I do have something to say, I won’t be able to say it as I would wish.  Plus our current challenges are far from resolved; I may have to duck out again very soon.  Is it worth even bothering to try? But here I go again – coming up with more excuses.

I accept that I’ll never know if I don’t give it a go.  So, I’m very carefully getting back onto the horse… Climbing back onto my own unique merry-go-round, from where I can watch the world circling around this Corner of Cornwall. The view from here is uncertain but worth fighting for.

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17 thoughts on “The View from Here: Clinging to the carousel”

  1. Welcome back Sandra- you and your eloquent thoughts have been missed.
    I am minded of your recommended book ” A year of Marvellous Ways”, in which Doubt, Fear and Hope are tangibles- to be spoken to- to be banished, or welcomed. So speak loudly and clearly and forcefully- be in an ” active state and respond”- we’re with you.

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    1. Oh bless you, Pat – you are absolutely right! Would you believe, just the small act of hitting ‘publish’ on this post has already caused a shift. Doubt and Fear – I banish you! And Hope – you are welcomed with open arms 🙂

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  2. Thank you for this post, which I think I understand. Getting older is like being handed a plate brimming with fears, hopes, doubts, and uncertainties. We (the 60-something) may have more time, but we have more to contemplate, more to pin down, more to mourn and grieve and the need to harness more energy to sustain the movement of the carousel. I take each day/hour/minute as it comes. I have been enjoying your blog enormously. I wish you luck in finding a great writing balance for each day as it comes.

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    1. Gubbinal, I thank you for these kind and thoughtful words – spoken with understanding, encouragement and insight. I think I would add ‘more to celebrate’ to your list of what we gain as we acquire all these years. The passing of time becomes more precious; we are more aware of its passing. With that awareness comes all that you mention, but also a more acute awareness of the need to enjoy and celebrate the moments – great and small – which bring us pleasure. For me, that’s what this blog is about. You have helped me to remember that. Thank you.

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  3. By doing it and so giving yourself confidence to do it again you are achieving one of your goals and at the same time giving others pleasure. I admire your bravery, for that’s what it is. It is often easier to curl up in a corner but I doubt it is ever better – except perhaps on a very temporary basis and for a very short time XX

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    1. Sue, you are right: even this one post has given me confidence. And how nice to think I may be giving others pleasure – that’s a reason to press on in itself! And thank you for your wisdom. You are right of course: curling up can only ever be a temporary measure. (It’s rather nice for a short while though… 😉 ) xx

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  4. I understand the reluctance to write your blog – I go through this at times too. But each time I’ve thought of giving up something eventually draws me back and you are right book reviews can never really be out of date. I enjoy reading your blog, whether it’s about books or your thoughts about life, the garden, where you’ve been etc. So I would be sad if you stopped. But really it’s not important what I think – it’s your time and you must use it as you want. Hoping to read more from you whenever you feel like it and don’t worry about the reading challenges – each year I vow I won’t bother doing any, but I enjoy making reading lists and seeing where books would fit in, so by January I find myself joining in again. Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.

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    1. Margaret, thank you. You have reminded me of yet more reasons why I should continue – and more importantly why underneath, I do really want to continue. And one of those reasons is the blogging community itself. I have discovered so much in these past months that I would never have come across before. With respect to books, that’s a double-edged sword. My tbr pile is enormous – and my tbr list has exploded. I shall need several lifetimes to even make a dent in it. But I’ll have so much pleasure in playing about with titles and lists and fitting books in, just as you describe. And although plenty of other things have been falling by the wayside, reading has survived. I’m doing well with my Sept/Oct list!

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      1. Ah, yes – the TBR pile – I think I will always have a huge pile, and it’s all down to blogging! But I really wouldn’t want to have nothing left to read, that would be awful. Glad you’re doing well with your Sept/Oct lists. 🙂

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  5. Bless you, Sandra. You’ve eloquently put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past two months. I hope you find your way through your challenges. I do hope you continue with your blog as time and circumstances permit. I always look forward to your posts and learn a lot from them. I wish you all the best.

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  6. Oh Sandra, what a poignant and heartfelt post – thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It would have been so easy to say nothing. Instead you have been brave and opened yourself up to us – bravo. I would say that you do not have to do anything, unless you want to. If you don’t feel like writing, that’s fine; if inspiration strikes and you feel like putting fingers to keyboard, that’s fine too. We own our blogs; they do not own us. We are in charge of our own destiny and whatever we decide to do is the right choice at that moment. We may come to change our mind in time, and that’s fine too. 🙂 xxx

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    1. Thank you, Liz; you are quite right of course. Your comments are timely too: I now have quite a few posts started but not finished for a variety of reasons. And I’ve been starting to realise that I could just write shorter posts, simpler posts. I can adapt the blog to myself and to circumstances rather than the other way around 🙂

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  7. I think most bloggers go through sticky patches now and again and life just gets in the way. The best way to deal with it is to look on it as a bit of fun, something that might help you to relax and meet new people. I’m way behind with my book reviews, and I’m very laid back about what I write about them, they’re almost always sketchy as I don’t want to give too much of the storyline away to other possible readers. I always look forward to your thoughts but – no pressure!

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    1. You are absolutely right, Katrina, thank you. I suspect the blog has fallen victim to my tendency to want everything just right and perfect – and to living up to expectations I’ve set for myself without even realising it! I’m trying to relax about it more now, and remember that life itself is actually more important than the blog 😉

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